The little doll seems to be down for a longer nap so I have time for a more thorough reflection on motherhood. I have to say it’s all very confusing and harder to take in than you would ever imagine. It’s such an emotional roller coaster and I feel really unstable at times. The scariest part about it all isn’t the responsibility or being tied down, what’s terrifying is how natural it all feels. You go through life thinking raising a child is the ultimate challenge and now that I’m there it all seems too easy*. So I start thinking maybe I’m not doing enough. Like maybe there’s something wrong with me because I don’t worry enough. At night I have godawful nightmares about forgetting about her and abandoning her. Every morning I wake up next to her filled with such immense feelings of adoration and love that I literally think I’ll break. All of this gratitude I have for the miraculous gift I’ve been given won’t fit inside me because there’s noone to thank. Another crazy thought: is it really possible I made her?
I keep telling myself it’s normal, but whenever I try to put it down in words, I feel insane. So, those of you that have already been there… did this happen to you? Or am I just losing my mind?
She looks like a little doll, doesn’t she?
* Please don’t start with the “oh don’t worry, it’ll get worse”. It doesn’t get worse. When I was pregnant and surprised by how easy it was, people told me it would get worse towards the end. When I was in labor and didn’t think it was all that hard, people told me it would get much harder very soon, when the baby was born and our lives only got better, people made it their business to inform us of how it would only get worse. Maybe I’m lucky because shit just won’t hit the fan or maybe those people just need a cup of man-the-fuck-up 🙂
It should be easy because you’re doing in in the right age! Problematic people are having their children in the (late!) 30’s. Well, then it IS hard, mostly because of “overthinking” and knowing that his is their last chance.
I’ve had a lot of discussions ending up in the exact same conclusion. I think the human body is meant to reproduce at a young age and putting it off for the sake of one’s own convenience is silly, because I think children should be a motivation rather than an obstacle.
Agreed, I had my first child when I was twenty and I possibly couldn’t have been more carefree. Of course I loved my girl more than anything but she kind of grew up on her own, thankfully she turned out to be a decent human being. I had my second child when I was 37, and third when I was 39 – EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. I worry, I panic, I overthink. I’m different in any way regarding raising a kid. Read this post again when you’re having another baby in 10-15-20 years and you will realise how much you’ve changed. Sometimes you just can’t help it, it’s all about personal growth, isn’t it?
I have no intention of letting her grow up on her own, I intend to become a clingy mum and tag along on her first date with a boy… I agree on the personal growth part, but I think children and their parents are meant to grow alongside. I don’t think you can be done growing up first and then have a baby, it kind of starts working against you, like the first commentator wrote.
When in doubt look at the baby. Is she happy and healthy? Then you are on the right path. There is no exact way of raising a child and no guarantee that you are doing the right thing, but you have a very powerful ally: the instinct. Always combine the knowledge you get from various, trusted sources (doctor, books, etc.) with your instinct. It will never lie to you.
As for those nightmares, I would say they come from that huge amount of love you have for your little bug. It seems natural to be affraid of losing a person that you love so much. You are not going crazy, you are just loving your baby very much and it’s probably your brain’s way of helping you stay focused (fear is a very powerful tool).
I remember that when David first opened the door by himself I had a horrible nightmare about him falling down the stairs. Since then I always keep the door locked, just in case.
You’ve always been an amazing support and counselor. And considering you have a little boy who has those adorable round raisins for eyes and is allowed to draw all over his body and cover himself in chocolate while you remain sane… yeah, you know good parenting. I trust you. <3
Emotional rollercoaster – completely normal. I had three kids in three years (april 2008, november 2009, november 2011) and it was about two months ago when it REALLY hit me. Im 29, I am a happily married mother of three. It all happened so fast, I used to be a hardcore party girl, it was all about living in the moment and not giving a shit. Until I met my future husband, fell madly in love and a year later two stripes appeared on the test. The day I welcomed my baby girl was the happiest thing I’ve ever experienced, she was an angel. Everything fell into place, she defined me as a person. Now, almost four years later – I’m fucking tired! I love my kids more than anything but I know that I won’t be having me-time for at least five years. I’m not sad or depressed, I just need a break from diapers and toys and constant mess to gather myself 🙂 Thankfully I have an amazing husband but obviously at the moment he’s the moneymaker. Off to cook the dinner!
You do realize you’re Superwoman? Hardcore party mum is what you are now and I think you’re absolutely admirable for doing what you do. And when you do decide to give yourself a break any time during those five years of utter dedication… let’s go have a glass of wine. My treat.
I hate that every time I say about something – “It’s kinda hard at the moment, I’m tired etc” – there’s always some wiseass who thinks it’s her responsibility to tell me: “Wait, it gets harder!” What the fuck? It DOESN’T get harder. It DOES get different. You have different obstacles when your baby is in different ages. And it’s normal that sometimes you think it’s hard. This right here – it’s hard. And then it passes and then you have another moment and this can be hard too, but this, too, passes. And it’s okay to feel that way.
I remember when I came home from hospital, Mila was usually sleeping or eating and I traveled the apartment, unhinged, worried that I should be doing MORE. This? This isn’t hard at all! I thought. And you know what? Mila is almost a year old now, at the moment she is sick for the first time and it’s awful and sometimes it’s hard, but it’s ife. Mostly it’s brilliant and exquisite and motherhood is joy. Honestly. And it’s okay not to worry all the time. You’ll know when it’s time to worry. It will happen some day and it’s okay because that’s motherhood – joy and worry. All the time, both things, intensely.
How’s that for putting a finger on exactly what I’m feeling?!
And about admitting it’s hard – I don’t allow myself to say it’s hard because a) I have an awesome baby who hasn’t cried once since birth (except when she’s hungry, but that doesn’t count) b) there’s that very same group of douchebags who keep saying it’ll get harder anyway. Eventually it’ll drive me crazy, but I cannot give anyone the satisfaction of thinking they know better.
Thank you for the feedback, it sucks not to be able to ventilate the obsessive-compulsive paranoia every now and then…
hahaha näed kui tore oli lugeda! mu endagi sõrmede alt on sarnane postitus tulnud ja nüüd sõbranna andis Sinu blogi lingi (väga tore on!) minu tütar sündis 2005. aasta oktoobris, rasedus läks väga ilusti, ei mingeid iiveldushooge, krampe, vinne jne. siis hirmutati sünnitusega, et oi, küll see saab kole olema. terve, ilus, väike rahulik tüdruk tuli siia ilma vähem kui kolme tunniga. näpuga viibutajaid ja õiendajaid leidus IGAL POOL, et jah nüüd on elu läbi, ees ootavad magamata ööd, gaasivalud, hammaste tulek JA NII EDASI ja üldse lähen ma varsti hulluks. laps oli, ja on tegelikult siiani täielik ingel, ei olnud meil unetuid öid ega asjatuid kisamisi. mehe emal oli vaja aga millegipärast väga sageli mind noomida, kuidas ma teen asju valesti, ei söö õigesti, laps on valesti riides, ‘jah, praegu on veel lihtne, ainult oota mis tulevikus saab’ no ja mis siis saama hakkab? ma ei tea, millest see tuleb, et noori emasid on nagu vaja kuidagi hirmutada kogu aeg. lapsed ja emad on erinevad. mäletan et ma (sünnitasin kui olin 25) hoidsin seda väikest pampu süles ja mõtlesin et ma olen nüüd kellegi EMA. kuidas see juhtus? oleks mulle keegi aasta enne sünnitust seda öelnud et ma hakkan last kasvatama, oleks ma selle inimese väga kõva häälega välja naernud… aga vana tõde et life is what happens while you are busy making other plans 🙂
aga. keerulisemad ajad olid tõepoolest ees. kaks aastat elasime idüllilist elu oma väikese tibuga ja jäin taas lapseootele. kuna eelmise raseduse ajal ei teinud ma muud kui patsutasin rõõmust õhetades kõhtu, siis nüüd sain topelt. enne arvele võtmist olid vahel päevad kui ma muud ei teinudki kui oksendasin, surm silme ees ja jäsemed tundetud. mulle oli paras pomm kui mind siis riskirasedaks määrati. poiss sündis juulis 2008, väike kribu, aga muidu terve.
kahe lapsega oli alguses kaunis raske – plika oli armukade ja tahtis ka tita olla (pissis püksi, näpistas beebit, hakkas ilmselgelt isa minule eelistama). siis tegingi selgitustööd nii palju kui seda vähem kui kolmeaastasele teha saab 🙂 kui jalutamas käisime siis mõlemad kärudega, temal oma väike beebi sees. asjad laabusid, nagu ikka. (taaskord – oi oi oi oi lapsed ei hakka kunagi läbi saama). ja näed saavad, praegu käivad ühes lasteaias ja tüdruk kaitseb nagu emalõvi oma väikest venda.
no vot siis. loomulikult on emaks saamine elumuutev sündmus ja inimesed, kes peavad vajalikuks õpetada ja tänitada et kuidas nüüd muutub elu põrguks – minge palun p*rse! mum knows best 🙂
ja armas blogi autor, küll on tore lugeda kogemustest ja pilte vaadata! vaat et tuleb uuesti titeisu peale
Noogutasin hoogsalt kaasa ja tegin lõppeks NAWWWWW. Tore, et siin oled 🙂
Mida Sina arvad sellest, et suhte alguses saadakse laps? Ma ise jäin rasedaks suhteliselt suhte alguses, olime väga vähe koos. Aga siiani räägitakse puhast si*** suust välja, et ikka vale tegu oli suhte alguses laps saada. MISIISKUI lahku lähete jne.
Mis siis on kui lahku lähete? Minu meelest on see risk pikaajalises suhtes täpselt sama reaalne nagu teie omas. Kui laps on terve ja õnnelik, siis teete kõike sada protsenti õigesti ja kui teineteisele veel meeldite ka, olete mustervanemad. Vigadest ei saa siin juttu olla 🙂
Exactly my thought. So what, et lahku minnakse? Ju siis pidi nii minema. Lahku võib minna ka siis, kui ollakse 10 aastat ilusti koos ja abiellutakse jne. See, et laps saadakse suhte alguses pole mitte mingi näitaja!
Täpselt. Lapse sünniga hakkab nii või naa uus elu ja lapsel pole sellest küll sooja ega külma, kui kaua vanemate romanss kestnud on. Peaasi, et õnnelikud!