The little doll seems to be down for a longer nap so I have time for a more thorough reflection on motherhood. I have to say it’s all very confusing and harder to take in than you would ever imagine. It’s such an emotional roller coaster and I feel really unstable at times. The scariest part about it all isn’t the responsibility or being tied down, what’s terrifying is how natural it all feels. You go through life thinking raising a child is the ultimate challenge and now that I’m there it all seems too easy*. So I start thinking maybe I’m not doing enough. Like maybe there’s something wrong with me because I don’t worry enough. At night I have godawful nightmares about forgetting about her and abandoning her. Every morning I wake up next to her filled with such immense feelings of adoration and love that I literally think I’ll break. All of this gratitude I have for the miraculous gift I’ve been given won’t fit inside me because there’s noone to thank. Another crazy thought: is it really possible I made her?
I keep telling myself it’s normal, but whenever I try to put it down in words, I feel insane. So, those of you that have already been there… did this happen to you? Or am I just losing my mind?
* Please don’t start with the “oh don’t worry, it’ll get worse”. It doesn’t get worse. When I was pregnant and surprised by how easy it was, people told me it would get worse towards the end. When I was in labor and didn’t think it was all that hard, people told me it would get much harder very soon, when the baby was born and our lives only got better, people made it their business to inform us of how it would only get worse. Maybe I’m lucky because shit just won’t hit the fan or maybe those people just need a cup of man-the-fuck-up 🙂