Before I go on with telling you everything about this project I’m working on, I need to get something really heavy off my chest. I’m facing such an incredibly hard decision: there’s a chance that “dream come true” may very well become “dream job”. The thing is… I already have a dream job. It’s a completely different one – it’s motherhood. I can’t even write this without crying like a baby, the thought is seriously hard as hell. Phew.
I love the time I spend with my Ladybug. She’s the most amazing person I’ve ever known. We have the funniest inside-jokes, she hugs and kisses me, strokes my arm while she’s falling asleep when it’s naptime, we play together, draw pictures together, sing together… she’s my tiny little baby. How can I move on from all that to only three hours a day with my best little buddy? How will I cope with the idea of both of us growing up and moving on from that special time we had only for the two of us? Will she know how much I’d wish to be in two places at the same time if I could?
Then there’s the other side of the story: it is, indeed, my dream job. I would get the chance to do what I love for a paycheck. A decent paycheck. I would go to work happy every single day, get to be in charge of what goes on in my department, have an outlet for my massive creativity and have the best colleagues in the world. I would be doing what I’ve always said I want to do “when I grow up” and do it straight away without having to climb any ladders along the way. What an amazing opportunity, right?
The only consolation I have right now is that I have a wonderful sitter for the Ladybug for half the time I’m gone. I need another one for the other half – that’s the iffy part. I have never left Ladybug with anyone other than her grandmother for an entire day. The thought of leaving her with a stranger is scary and unsettling. It’s like the end of an era and I hate those. I really do.
I know there’s only one possible decision to make. I have to take a leap and give myself a chance. Whatever happens, happens, right?
// Kui ma seda praegu ümber tõlkima hakkaks, peaksin teist sama palju veel nutta ulguma ja mul on täna õhtul veel palju tööd teha. Sellist tööd, mis ei luba valutavat pead ja paistes silmi… Ärge pahandage, eksju?
“I would be doing what I’ve always said I want to do “when I grow up” ”
Doing a job that you like (at least at the beginning) has actually very little to do with growing up. Anyone can do that. Because even if it is physically or mentally demanding, you still just do what you like and this is the easiest. Doing the things you don’t like is much harder and not for everybody.
But taking decisions like you have to take now, is what growing up is all about. Taking tough decisions, accepting the responsibility and consequences, learning that there are no such things as “the easy way out” and “having it all perfect” is what makes you a grown-up. 🙂
p.s. even if it wont work out, you can just quit and return to being a full time mom. But the only way to find out is to give it a try 😉
What I meant by “when I grow up” was how people always ask you when you’re little who you wanna be when you grow up. I always said I wanted to be a chef. I have the opportunity to do something that has always made me happy. Not many people have that opportunity. 🙂
I am going to share with you a part of me that is very deep.
I have been exactly where you are.
It is hard. It is tough. It is heart wrenching.
It it deep within your soul. It is makes your every beat of heart beat faster.
I can’t not tell you what decision would be best for you and your child and your family.
For me, I was so deeply enriched by my child and the thoughts of losing the “childhood” times that my decision came down to the last minute. I chose my child.
I have never ever looked back and regretted it. Nor have they. There is an innocence of their childhood that only a mother can give and only a mother can remember.
You are very very lucky to have family help. Finding someone to take care of your child today is very hard and very scary.
But I agree with the above comment, you may try it. If you don’t like it you can always go back home.
You must be very good at what you do. That tells me another job would think the same later down the road. But again, these are only my thoughts.
I hear the love for your child every time you post. You will not regret your decision. Whatever that may be. Cheers.
Thank you for your comment, your thoughts mean the world to me.
I am good at what I do – however, there’s no way for me to compete in the field in question, because I don’t have it on paper. I would after I do this and that would sort of pave the way. I’d make something happen for myself. That, I think, is another important part of motherhood – teaching your children that doing what you love and pursuing your dreams is admirable. I want my daughter to always put herself to the test and never have a doubt in her mind that she can pull off anything she sets her mind on. Wouldn’t practicing what I preach be a great way to teach her that?
I will not make any sacrifices if I see that the arrangement isn’t good for either one of us. If it’s a void that’s impossible to fill, I’ll at least have tried! 🙂
Absolutely. She most certainly is watching everything you do. They have eyes in the back of their head and tiny ears where we had no idea.
I did go back. After mine were in school. And got my schooling finished. They now see me as that strong person you describe.
But let me say this. You have to be happy with you and your decisions. And my advice would be this…..always…always …go with your gut. Your gut never steers you wrong. It knows no boundaries. It does not lead you the wrong way. You are correct, if you feel it is too much…you tried. 😊
I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I have no idea what I would do if I were in your place. I would probably try to think of the consequences of my decision: “Will it affect my daughter’s development?”; “Will this bring her benefits in the distant future?”; “What good things does this decision brings for her?, Am I setting a good example to follow for my kid?”. There’s no easy way to solve this, that’s for sure. I wish you strength and wisdom to take the best decision for you and your family.
oi-oi, selliseid hetki ma küll ei oota.. aga samas et see suureks kasvamine ja sellepärast kurvastamine on nii kurb, on see ka nii ilus ja armas. emaarmastus, noh 🙂
see kurvastamise-osa ja tahtmine ennast kasvõi lõhki rebida, on päris jube jah. ma ei saa selle peale mõeldagi ilma, et ulguma hakkaksin. seetõttu nutan pidevalt. aga samas juba praegu hindan palju rohkem iga koosveedetud hetke ja väikest nüanssi, nii et ilmselt on iga halb millekski ikkagi hea ka. 🙂